The Audacity of Telling People What To Do

Here are the rules I set at the top of any gathering--including THIS one.

Jan 24, 2024

I have 3 pop-up rules I share at the top of every chance I get to speak. Even if it’s an uber-corporate corporate gig or a gala with the governor of California sitting in the front or the big annual psychotherapy conference in DC or a Zoom workshop with high school girls. I came up with the rules a year-ish ago and have massaged them a bit since then but honestly, not much. They kinda cover it.

Said gala with said governor. Also: my dress is by ba&sh. YES IT IS SO GOOD.

I’m sharing them here for a few reasons:

The rules apply to this Substack, too. Welcome to guidelines for this community!
They keep me honest and remind me of my purpose and do a loop de loop through my heart every time I share them… so if I start to notice an inner voice saying “skip them” it’s an excellent BS gauge. Am I really doing the brave thing or am I skimping? If I’m here to show up, I’m here to show up and that includes stating clearly what I stand for up top and how I want my audience to behave.
Maybe they’ll inspire yours.

FYI “Pop-up rules” is a concept from Priya Parker—shout out to The Art of Gathering—and as she puts it, “A great pop-up rule is an explicit, temporary, accessible set of instructions to help a group of disparate people participate in a shared experience.”

AKA, any time we get the chance to speak—even if we don’t feel like we have the power in the room, like maybe we’re asking a question or pitching an idea—it’s actually a chance to lead. And the best leaders invite others into a dreamier version of the world and do it explicitly. So what’s your dream? How are you gonna articulate it?

By the way, if that paragraph made you feel spiky (“oh yeah, sure I have power”), get curious. Most of us have loooong histories of shortchanging our own leadership-with-a-lower-case-l, which isn’t about title or status but includes things like our relationship to how we envision holding a room in our hands, setting the tone, setting the rules, offering permission or belonging like we have it to give ‘cuz maybe we do.

This shortchanging is a cultural thing, not a you or me thing.

And what we can do is practice gathering up our power and flexing it. One of the best ways I’ve found is these pop-up rules. The audacity! Of telling other people who aren’t your own offspring how you expect them to behave! But seriously, this is a gamble I’ve taken again and again and I can say with a ridiculous amount of confidence: as long as your rules spring from a sense of your dreamier version of the world, a good chunk of folks will feel relief at hearing them and knowing how to be in that space.

Here’s what I mean:

MY POP-UP RULES!

1. Sounds are encouraged.

(This started on Zoom, where I would say “chat is encouraged.”)

This means: ask questions! Share a-ha’s! Say “me too!” or “no way!” loud enough we can hear it. Whisper things to your neighbor. Laugh or sigh or clap or whoop or gasp. Let’s human together out loud. Your voice belongs in this space. You have (harhar) permission to speak. Yes, that’s the name of my book. Look, it’s a good name.

2. Bring mischief in.

NOTE: If another squirrelly word works better for you, this is a choose your own adventure—joy, delight, play, trickster vibes, shenanigans, hijinx, escapades? But find yours and bring it in.

For me, what’s important about mischief is it’s a mix of silly and rule-breaking (and yes, it’s highly mischievous that my second rule is basically “break the rules”). But the real point of this one is: if we’re here to eyebrow-raised question everything with play, then shit will MOVE. Surprise and awe and fresh thoughts will dance in our periphery, loose and free enough for us to catch. We will leave the room different than we came in. We will put down shoulds that have been albotrossing us for years.

3. Justice is the goal.

Because what happens when a bunch of folks question the rules and do so with play? The world becomes more just right where we are. Great lies are exposed. Power imbalances begin to rumble and shift. Possibilities burst forth. People feel less alone.

Believe me, this one is scary to say in certain rooms. It’s how I know it matters. It’s all-vulnerable and all-powerful to make it clear that helping people show up better isn’t some bro-marketing manipulation tactics; it’s justice work.

So what are your pop-up rules?

If you want help brainstorming them, come to tomorrow’s workshop. We’re gonna talk about my absolute favorite strategies for showing up at your bravest (and most effective ‘cuz this is an OK BUT WHAT WORKS space).

Future workshops will be for all-access community members only but this first one is for YOU. YOU READING THIS. It might be 5 of you who show up ‘cuz late notice, but it’ll be available as a replay for the rest of you—and how intimate and juicy will it be for the 5?!
Be one of the 5. Or 50.

More about the vibe here.

We’ll cover:

How to warm up to show up
What to think about/connect with just before your big thing
What stories or beliefs you may be holding onto that are getting in the way of your greatness and blocking your bravery
How to design for success—e.g. the pop-up rules. And by success I mean you getting the thing you want but also it feeling good on the inside.

ETA: Now that the workshop above has ended, I’m pulling the Zoom details and offering instead:
THE REPLAY! Yay! It’s available now for everyone here—but this and FUTURE WORKSHOPS AND Q&A’s will be for all-access subscribers only starting in February so get yourself in there!
Min 1:13 pop-up rules in real time
Min 24:14 we get SUPER practical on bravery
Min 26:20 how to warm up to show up
Min 46 kickass Q&A begins

I’ll be doing workshops like this or open Q&A/live coaching sessions here on the ‘Stack every month (possibly more frequently, because holy hell that was fun).

I can’t believe we get to build this together.

Also… what do you want me to do a workshop on next??