Interruptions
On love and power and facilitation
“How do I stand up there confidently and speak if they might interrupt me or tell me I’m wrong at any moment?”
She asked this privately after a talk I gave Monday to a roomful of scientists.
Mostly young physicists early in their career, many speaking English as a second language, a bunch from cultures that don’t prize standing out, and a good amount women in a historically dude-heavy field. She had big round glasses and big round eyes, and a posture that shrunk her frame.
The first thing I asked her back was, will they? Like, is that the worst-case-scenario fear in your head or is that the actual environment where you work and speak?
She said mostly the first one but she does want to be prepared for “you’re wrong!”
I told her it suuuucks to have to bring your psychological safety with you if the room isn’t taking care seriously. But that there’s also a big ol’ reframe she can practice that will help anywhere.
When we’re speaking in public, at work, at a conference, at an event of any sort, it’s a gift to us and to EVERYONE THERE to think:
I’m facilitating a conversation.
Even if I’m the only one speaking, or the main one speaking.
Even if I’m asking a question at another person’s event.
When I’m speaking, I’m holding the room for everyone.
I’m in charge.
I’m setting the tone.
I’m conducting the dynamics of the orchestra.
I’m creating the world I want to live in.
If someone shouts a rude comment, my nervous system will take it personally — of course and bless, bodies amirite — but it’s my job to expand in that moment, not contract. To rise to the level not of that one detractor but of all the other folks in the room who need me maintaining the vibe.
When we really believe we’re facilitating the room, when we really give ourselves permission to hold that amount of power, then a heckler (even if it’s someone with a whole lot of status) is someone we can manage. It’s not about us, it’s about everyone else we’re taking care of.
“Oh, I’m not quite done.”
“Hold on a moment — I’d be happy to come back to that idea.”
“Just a second.”
“Interesting — let’s get to that when I’m done.”
Here’s what’s really happening: you’re blending strength (saying no, not now, not like this) with warmth (I see you, I’ll get to you, and I’m taking care of all of us here by setting some interruption ground rules).
And getting better and better at this blending strength and warmth thing is how we get heard, how we lead, how we set boundaries so we can flourish, how we amass power, and how we make the world better right exactly where we are.
NO BIG DEAL IT’S JUST LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
And not for nothin’ it’s the energy blend coming up again and again in these mindblowing calls for VP Harris that have been held all week-and-a-half since she became the frontrunner and I hope never end. From Glennon and Andrea Gibson to Pete Buttigieg and Stacey Abrams (who was on a call this week??).
Strength = power
Warmth = love
Eons of crappy public speaking advice says “look confident and smile more.” But that’s just the outward show of getting the strength/warmth balance right. You don’t need to puff up your chest OR show your teeth. The secret is: it’s a glow from within.
And it comes from believing —
I have power. I will use it for love.
Of course there are a billion practical tips on how to facilitate. How to make things easier for all (facilitate, from the Latin facilis = easy).
But power + love is fundamentally the spirit underneath ‘em all.
And we get to lean in to that spirit every single time we speak in front of others.
The word “permission” is on my book cover 6 times. It’s comical until you realize, ah, that’s because permission is really the whole damn point. What does it take to give yourself enough permission that you believe I have power, I will use it for love?
Whatever it takes, that’s the work.
We’re here doing it :)
What do you think?
Love,
Samara
PS. Our next HOW TO SHOW UP Zoom workshop is August 16th at 10am PT/1p ET! If you want to attend, upgrade now. The all-access group is 🔥
PPS. If you wish you’d joined HOT PERMISSION FALL, this is your chance.