How to DO Authenticity

Let's turn the abstract vibe of genuineness into something that's actually DOABLE, shaaaaall we?

Authenticity is… “the quality of being authentic” according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Hahahahahaha.

But what is it really? The smacks-of-truth vibe someone gives off, yes?

The opposite-of-A.I.¹ vibe.

Human.

Whole. And maybe a smidge naked.

As Brandi Carlile put it at the Grammy’s this week, honoring Joni Mitchell’s influence on songwriters:

“The exhilarating risks that we all now take, by turning ourselves inside out for all the world to see, started with Joni Mitchell doing it first. She's like the first person to strip down at the skinny dipping party and take that awkward, terrifying leap before everybody else eventually joyfully follows.”

The definition of “authenticity” matters a lot less than the know-it-when-you-feel-it.

When you catch someone giving a speech or talking into a camera on your phone or speaking into your ear and suddenly you’re laughing or tears hit. They say the thing², surprise you and themselves, move the room, move the world, invite you to the skinny dipping party and splash you with joy. When someone doesn’t seem authentic, it’s fine—they’re fine. No judgment. Just… we’re maybe kinda bored. It’s FINE.

But witnessing authenticity, we come alive: our body responds. Our breath pattern shifts. Our blood buzzes. Our imagination alights, and our empathy. There’s a transportative, timeless whoa. A mutual stripping down. An “I see you/I feel seen.” It’s alchemical, turning talking into something more gold than gold.

But though you may be into the idea of showing up this way yourself—in theory—you may also be sweaty with questions.

Like, ehem, how? Especially when your heart is double-pumping and fight-flight-freeze twists your nervous system. And also, like, exactly how naked are we talking? And if authentic means “genuine” AKA “being myself”… um, which me?

And why do I have more than one me?

AM I ALREADY DOING IT WRONG?

---

---

This is a two-parter ‘cuz first of all: if authenticity is doable… I’m serious about offering a how.

And second, dancing at the edges of this conversation is another, related one about personal brand. Yes, you may be thinking about authenticity because of that meeting where you’re presenting that work thingy. But the convo gets infinitely hotter when you’re pitching something closer to your heart, running for office, advocating for your kid or your people, finally taking your sidehustle seriously, launching your product or service into the ether, or «shiver» self-promoting.

So part two, next week, is on the how of self-promotion so it doesn’t suck.³

But for now…

Authenticity: What Actually Works

As a coach and a pragmatist, I’m an ‘if it doesn’t work it doesn’t matter’ type. So legit I’m super impatient to get to this part!! Exclamation points!!⁴

Here’s how I turn authentic into something doable for my clients and myself and you:

Let’s pull authentic out of the realm of “genuine” or “real” and oh-so-lovingly put that expectation in a box on a high shelf; it doesn’t help.

Let’s instead pull authentic into the realm of care. What do you care about in what you’re talking about? And—big and!—what will it take for you to talk about what you care about like you care about it?

As I speak about below, most of us are life-long practitioners of the art of under-enthusiasm. We aim for cool as cucumbers, so we don’t come across as too much, too weird, or under it all: too vulnerable. We are brilliant. Downplaying how much we care is a brilliant defense mechanism that will always keep us safer—and always keep us boring.

Which is FINE if safety is the main goal, and a big bummer if impact is.

Pop over to minute 19:15 in January’s workshop⁵ to see if any of these are what you do with your voice when you get uncomfortable and feel the urge to hide in plain sight. No shame. Just starting where we actually are.

AND! PS. Paradoxically, most of us have ALSO worked the over-enthusiasm muscle, especially if you’ve spent any time in customer service or been socialized as female. “OMG I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HELPING YOU AND HAVE NO NEEDS OF MY OWN AREN’T I NICE?!” It’s muscling. It’s well-intentioned fakey-fake.

It’s another form of hiding. SO…

The trick to finding your own authenticity when showing up is to practice neither hiding by fake undercaring on one end, nor fake overcaring on the other.

Explore the middle. Where your voice betrays how much you care.

Where you let it.

‘Cuz you’re up to something bigger.

This is me speaking to an audience of 500 mostly-women at a San Diego business conference last year—and modeling the heck out of what I’m talking about while doing! #meta)

‘Cuz what you’re up to is caring out loud.

The brave, lifechanging thing that is caring out loud.⁶

Brave because it’s likely new so it’ll feel messy and imperfect and ooooweeee we have stories. AND brave because it is inherently more vulnerable to show up than to hide.

When you talk about what you care about and let your body and voice reveal that you actually care about it there are no take-backs. You are seen. There will be consequences. Often good ones, but also risks.

And yet here we are, walking ourselves—and each other—toward the thing that makes us feel alive. Like this is what we were made for.

So! To Do List:

1. Get curious. Do check out the clip from our workshop—jump to minute 19:15 and watch till minute 23:10 to diagnose your own habits.

2. Practice this week, no matter how tiny. Breathe into how much you actually care about what you’re saying and tell yourself, “I’m practicing being uncomfortable but courageous. If they can tell how much I care, that’s OK. That’s a good thing.” And notice: what does it feel like for the emotional content of what you’re saying to match the words? What comes up?

3. Talk to someone about it. A friend you’re co-conspiring with, or post a comment here for us. Caring out loud, undoing our histories of hiding, is deeply personal. But it’s also deeply communal. In fact, notice who’s doing it well in public. Who spoke to you at the Grammy’s or on any platform of any size this week? Who made you feel things and/or feel the urge to share? If you can think of any, I can pretty much guarantee you were in the presence of caring out loud.

👉🏼 AND bring your thoughts to tomorrow’s open Q&A/live coaching sesh!

💥 Become a paid subscriber to attend this and future Zoom dates, and join a loving community of folks showing up for their shit in 2024.

Zooms are for all-access paid subscribers only. This is a way I can curate the space to take care of each of you, and it’s also a way you can support work that matters to you. The more I’m financially held here, the more I can focus here—which is a dream!

---

---

Big love from me, trying to show up human and a smidge naked (METAPHORICALLY—atmospheric river in LA is cold and I’m comically bundled up as I write this!),

Samara

👉🏼 Trying this whole footnote format I stumbled upon. How do we feel?? Yay mischief but boo clutter? Too much? NOT ENOUGH?

1. My kid’s 3rd grade class is working on adaptations of classic stories and apparently his follows a Little Red who’s been hitting the gym hard, and out-flexes the wolf in a battle of brawn. But, he told us seriously at dinner, he chose the A.I. option when his teacher offered an illustration tool because, “it would be hard to draw a buff Little Red Riding Hood.” This from a not-yet-9-year-old who’s already a gorgeous, confident artist. This from a kiddo who attends a school with the word “creative” in its actual name. This, crucially, from a kid whose teacher isn’t offering context for A.I.—a short lesson in ethics or literacy. A detour through Jeff Goldblum’s warning about the folks who “were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

We recently rewatched Jurassic Park. It’s hard to put the dinos back in the cage. But you know what puts A.I. back in the cage in our own lives? Showing the F up as more human than ever. Knowing that our unique weird, and our heart as we express it in the moment, is irreplicable. (FOR NOW, at least??)

2. Other favorite moments from the Grammy’s fit this: Jay-Z’s “when I get nervous, I tell the truth.” And SZA’s “I’m not an attractive crier!” I’m always yearning for folks to own their emotions in public, but I’m also here for the honesty of her public discomfort. It’s POTENT. We were instantly all her in that moment.

3. Almost everyone I’ve ever talked to about self-promotion—myself included, I have also definitely talked to myself about this—has drama about it. And it’s not platform-specific. It’s not even our 2020’s era-specific. It’s as old as time—or at least as old as us folks who the public wasn’t entirely made for stepping out into it anyway and talking anyway and claiming our space anyway. And the full-body hit of stigma and generational breath-holding and bracing-for-impact that comes with it.

4. I’m being sneaky because the written form of caring out loud does sometimes require that we use the comic sans of punctuation: the exclamation point. Part of caring out loud is getting over being «cringe.» I smell another post coming!

5. Next workshop is for folks who are ALL-ACCESS members of this Substack. We’re keeping the place safe and cozy, so if you want to join please upgrade and you’ll get the link ❤️

6. This is a phrase I made up, when I was writing my book. Naming and claiming!